This is the beginning of my life. A commencement of my journey towards self discovery and finding the realities of my existence the way I want them to be. Finally, I think very clearly now. Away from all the negativity accumulated over the years. It is time to cleanse and heal, time to be kind to one’s self.
I can almost see myself on top of the hill, prancing and singing aloud. So this is how it feels to hear “Me” talk. I have long missed listening to my thoughts without so much restraint. Am I happy now? I am not so sure about my state of happiness but of course this could be my baby step towards that too.
I believe the God intends for all of us to be happy and content in life. He cares about bringing out the best in his creation. The trials that He presents, make humans more or less resilient and hone them into responsible and God-fearing people. It is a must that each one passes through a rigid process of purification of one’s soul before you reach an age of enlightenment.
In my journey, I stumbled upon so much suffering, trials, lack, separation, fear, near death and many difficult times. Sometimes I wonder if I am a magnet for these. But God is kind as He sometimes give me a break from too much pain. Time to breathe, in between frustrations. Time to unwind, time for quiet and peace.
Why do I always talk about God? Because I couldn’t have survived the worst parts without Him. He has continuously reversed the irreversible and restored the dilapidated state of my life. Nobody cares more for me than Him and understands me, in all my peculiar ways. I am quite a handful. Even my mother told me that I was (and still am) an obstinate and hard headed person. I move on my own volition, I decide with my own reasoning. I could be firm and harsh, sometimes judgmental and due to my lack of social skills, that it is projected as pride.
Everybody has the right to stand by what he or she believes in and choose not to compromise with people and situations when they are not comfortable with it. But in the process, I try to put myself buried deeply in a thick fortress of protection, that even when I am ruined inside, nobody can and must ever know or see me in a sorry state. True and factual – and painful at that.
I guess it is just instinct. God forgive me. For always shoving away people whom I should have shown softness, kindness and openness. I guess my arms were too short to embrace the weakness of others and moreover, to accept any frailty, even my own. I was raised for half of my adult life in this manner. Every day to me is a war against others. It is an endless contest among who is the best and the most of whatever requirement it took to take the title. I feel sorry that each time I was provoked to a challenge, I immediately took up arms. If there was a game, I would not be left out and left in the cold even if I hurt myself by getting there. God was watching me I know because every time I was at the brink of defeat He picks me up and shows my enemies that I am not an easy person to knock out. He was always there to make sure I survived and with less bruises and scars.
Even in my writing you can sense that feeling of distrust and pain, because as I have said, I was raised that way for almost half of my life. As a teenager I have lived with strangers who offered me a mirage called a home. I have seen it coming early, and became a victim to war freak people who look at others like opponents instead of family.
The only consolation is that I am not really binded by blood but just affinity to this one person who has destroyed my idea of happiness. Now that I am old, I still bring with me, twenty years of traditional angst and pride. Though now it is quieter. Peace at last, but for how long?
I wish never again to hear the ugly noises of voices cursing people, and unruly words spoken with so much anger that it melted away my innocence. I have seen the world in its worst form, and have battled the fiercest of all people. I have danced with wolves and survived. Yet in the midst of this my prayer is to forget and move on.
God knows that I am afraid of this new found peace. What if this is only temporary, what if I cannot fight for it. I hope that He helps me find a way to keep it. If not here then somewhere else. I pray to God that life will take me to a very quiet place where I can think and be myself. Where my thoughts and my principles matter, and where I don’t have to live like a warrior waiting for the war to erupt at anytime. I can do that somewhere else. Maybe in the workplace or at home, I hope to find peace.
I am not ungrateful; I thank them for letting me live through life even if it were sort of nightmarish when I was there. I have to utilize this break before it completely dissolves. If God wishes me to go back, I pray to Him to grant me herculean strength to accept it and that He grants me the will to subdue myself when I feel oppressed or when I feel surveyed unreasonably. I wish not to see or hear when not necessary. I want to be an invisible statement.
I will only go back for the love of someone who stood by me during the times I needed a soul to listen. And only for him who has found the courage to understand me, in my weirdest form and thinking.
